I found an absurd ARod article by Dickie V on ESPN.com and at first, I was just going to post a link, but I couldn’t help myself from paying homage to one of my heroes Ken Tremendous by FJMizing this article. It will probably suck, but fuck it, no one’s gonna read this shit anyway.

AROD CAN STILL TURN THINGS AROUND

by Dick Vitale

As a baseball lover, I’ve been asked about my feelings over the A-Rod situation.

By who? I want names.

There are many folks familiar with the relationship I have had with him. I’ve known the All-Star for quite a while.

Is it just me or does it sound like Dick Vitale’s implying that he boned ARod?

This is not the young man I first met when he was with the Seattle Mariners. He is a totally different guy. Back then, his love for baseball was so unique and special. He cared about others.

Now he beats up random hobos, eats kittens, and shits on babies.

The person I see now has become part of a soap opera ever since he put on a Yankees uniform.

You see the very second ARod put on that Yankees jersey, he decided to go 3 years back in time to begin taking steroids with Texas.

It was so sad to sit there and watch him talk about his use of steroids over a three-year period while with the Texas Rangers. If there was anything I had thought about Alex, he was totally pure. It was about his work ethic, sense of pride and doing things the right way.

I hope the next time I see a paragraph like this it’s in an article written by Thom Brennaman after Tim Tebow is caught raping a dog.

I was absolutely devastated to hear the news that he is just like many others, heading for the Hall of Shame instead of the Hall of Fame.

When Dickie V went 15 years into the future and heard the news that ARod was going to be enshrined in an ironically named place that doesn’t really exist instead of Cooperstown, he cried for a fucking week.

This kid is so talented and worked so hard to put himself into a position of being called the greatest to ever play the game.

Another thing he did to put himself into a position of being called the greatest to ever play the game: Took Copious Amounts of Steroids.

There were a lot of words, all sorts of rhetoric, as he sat down with our Peter Gammons, who did a great job in presenting all the possible concepts. I do have to give Alex credit for saying he was stupid and naive, how he made mistakes and now he wants to give back and help others.

You hear that, Peter Gammons. GREAT JOB PRESENTING ALL THE POSSIBLE CONCEPTS IN THAT AROD INTERVIEW!! YOU HIT ON EVERY POINT THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CONCEIVED OF!!

Here’s what I would advise him to do to show sincerity. … Let it be more than just rhetoric:

• 1. Tell baseball to take away those 150 home runs he hit in Texas. Wipe them off his record and then judge him over the next nine years of his contract with the Yankees. Then determine if he is a Hall of Famer.

YES! BRILLIANT! Nothing will help baseball more than making St. Barry Bonds’ all time homerun lead insurmountable!

• 2. Tell Rangers owner Tom Hicks that he will donate the money he made in those three seasons to charity. A-Rod deceived Hicks, and I don’t blame the owner for his quotes about feeling betrayed. He was so disheartened by what has happened.

First of all, Jesus Christ, dude, take it easy. You realize that’s like $70 million? Second of all, fuck Tom Hicks. He’s the big victim of this whole thing? A billionaire who’s franchise is known for being one of the epicenters of steroid use over the last decade? ARod won an MVP, hit like 150 homeruns and played in all but one game during his time in Texas, so if I were Tom Hicks, I’d shut the fuck up and thank him for making my team relevant for a few years. Now, Chan Ho Park, on the other hand, should have to donate $450 million to Meals on Wheels and deliver every single meal.

• 3. On days off with the Yankees, go out and speak to Boys and Girls clubs or students to make sure he shares with young people the idea that they shouldn’t follow his path.

4. Buy a hatchet, call a press conference, and then chop off your penis in a room full of cameras and reporters. This is the only way you can cleanse yourself of the taint of that whore Madonna, and get back to being that loveable pure boy I once knew.

It is nice to admit you are wrong, but go out and prove it. Those three factors are specifics and not just generalities.

What you call specifics, I call crazy, unreasonable babble from an old, out of touch nutjob

It was a disappointing day in my household when this news broke. My family put him on a higher pedestal than most. I had so many people over the years tell me he was A-Fraud, and I would go out and defend him. I would fight tooth and nail, and some people at ESPN disputed me.

Dick Vitale once stabbed Orestes Destrada in the neck with a fork in the ESPN cafeteria when he thought he heard him use the term “Gay-Rod.” It turned out Destrada had simply asked him to pass the ketchup.

I thought he was one special superstar.

Right up there with Wojo.

There is enough time to get his life back on the right track. Get rid of the guy who has been involved in so many soap operas involving his personal life. He became tabloid fodder on a regular basis.

Yeah! Why does that douchebag always force those friendly tabloid authors to write about him? My theory: His lifelong dream was to become a character on Days of Our Lives, but his shitty, boring baseball career dicked him over.

He should return to being the guy who loved playing the game and doing things the right way. It would be great if he got back with the people that were vital in his life as a youngster. He should get away from those who tell him what he wants to hear.

People that were vital(E)? Not so subtle, Dick. You really sound like a deranged ex-lover, like fatal attraction type shit.

Hopefully the story of his life will change. He can be an example by doing things the right way moving forward, turning away from the Hall of Shame and back toward to the Hall of Fame.

…But only if he turns back to the man who made him everything he ever was, Dick Vitale.