First of all, the point of my Hoffman/Schwarzenegger analogy was that Wrestlemania is comparable to casting a big budget action movie. Obviously, I’d rather watch a Hoffman movie than an Arnold movie as well, but that has absolutely nothing to do with wrestling (and The Wire/CSI thing was just annoying). If it weren’t for Hogan, there would be no Wrestlemania. He was legitimately the Babe Ruth of the industry, so if that’s the case and he is known to be a poor in ring wrestler, shouldn’t that tell you something about the importance of that trait? And saying he’s the Tim Couch of the draft is just laughable. We know what happened already. We don’t have to guess. Hogan was the biggest star of all time and Mr. Perfect’s only Wrestlemania win was against the Blue Blazer. Picking him ahead of Stone Cold, The Rock, The Undertaker, Macho Man, Shawn Michaels, etc may actually be worse than Al Davis picking Hewyard-Bey, because at least we’re not positive what will happen with his career yet. You knew all of their entire careers and still picked Perfect.

 Switching gears, A friend of mine recently told me that he went to a wrestling event a few years ago and at a point when  Stephanie McMahon and Stone Cold were in the ring, the crowd (he didn’t do a poll to find out whether they were ”real” or “fringe” wrestling fans) began an improptu chant of “RAPE HER! RAPE HER!.” That’s anecdotal, and I’ll admit that I mainly just wanted to find a way to fit that story into this post, but my point is I find it almost impossible to believe that the majority of people who follow wrestling follow it for the wrestling itself. It’s a soap opera for teenagers and men with low IQ’s, and a guilty pleasure for anyone else, it isn’t a sport, it isn’t performance art. No one’s watching to see a cool suplex, or the perfect counter to a figure four, 95% of viewers would much rather see a dude get thrown through a table. This idea that you’re somehow creating the perfect card for the diehards is bullshit. You’re creating the perfect wrestling card for the very few people who really love using words like “in ring psychology” and see two wrestlers go at it in the ring as some kind of ballet. I bet I could find two random Japanese wrestlers no one’s ever heard of that could put on as good a show as Perfect and Hart. Is the lower middle class guy who can’t wait to watch Raw with a 6 pack every Monday and saves a few bucks on each paycheck so he can get the next pay per view not a diehard wrestling fan because he takes a leak when Jericho and Mysterio are wrestling so he can get back in time to see the Big Show chokeslam Shane McMahon through a table? There are plenty of die hard wrestling fans who don’t watch for the reasons you site. You’re catering to a small group of people among a very large audience.

Don’t get me wrong, I was a huge wrestling fan until I was around 10 or 11, and my favorite by far was Bret “The Hitman” Hart. But was it because I somehow knew that he was a great worker, that he never injured his opponents and that he had impeccable in ring psychology? No, it was because he had a cool look, because he had a cool finishing move, and most importantly, because he was getting his push right when I started watching. And he got that push because of the perfect storm of the steroids scandal, and Hogan and Savage leaving. McMahon needed a smaller, more athletic champ to vear away from the glare of the steroid mess, and so Hart got his chance. I loved him and so did many others, but with he and Michaels as the main superstars, the WWF sunk to its lowest point, and it didn’t recover until Stone Cold and The Rock showed up. It wasn’t because they were better wrestlers, it was because they were great characters. Their attitudes, gimmicks, and mic skills revolutionized the industry, and brought the WWF into an edgier, more risque era. Of course, Vince McMahon going from the overly excitable ring announcer to the evil billionaire CEO was also a major factor. So at the end of the day, it really has very little to do with the wrestling itself. The People’s Elbow may have been less believable than Hogan’s leg drop, Mick Foley was sticking a damn sock in people’s mouth as his finishing move, and Vince McMahon actually wrestled in main events, but this was still the second great era of the organization. So, I guess I shouldn’t say I don’t get your point, I just think it’s misguided. Without having seen your card yet, I doubt you’ll even try to make an argument that yours could sell more tickets or draw more interest than mine, which I thought was the main point of this activity. So I guess all I can say is have fun watching your Wrestlemania in a half empty arena while you talk about how realistic that last dropkick was.

I’m glad that this weird wrestling conversation has turned into the greatest, most heated argument in Parent’s Basement history. Anyway, here’s my card:

European Championship: British Bulldog (c) vs. Chris Jericho- a match even Bo and all his “diehard” friends can enjoy, but where it should be, at the top of the card.

Tag Team Match: Sycho Sid and Jake the Snake vs. The Big Boss Man and Sgt. Slaughter- This is sort of my throwaway match and I actually thought about sticking with only 9 matches, but I felt these four all had good cases to be involved in this all-star type format so I’m giving them a shot.

TLC Match for the Tag Titles: The Legion of Doom (c) vs. The Hardy Boyz vs. Edge and Christian- One of the most exhilirating matches in the history of the WWF recreated with arguably the greatest tag team of all time replacing the Dudleys. I trust Hawk and Animal to be willing to put their bodies at risk for a match like this. Perhaps, they can’t do the whole jumping through tables thing as well as Bubba Ray and Devon, but I have to take that chance because they belong in an Ultimate Wrestlemania Tag Team Title match.

Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero- I know, I know, way too easy, but even Bo would admit that these guys would put on a great show if matched up against one another. Maybe  subconsciously I’m only throwing them together because of their deaths, but whatever, I think it’s a good fit and there’s not a lot of better options.

Bra and Panties Match: Chyna, Sable, Trish Stratus, Stacy Keibler, Torrie Wilson, Miss Elizabeth, Sensational Sherry- I’m going risque here, but I trust my mostly male audience will love it. Take the kids to the bathroom during this match. The good thing is if Chyna wins, you don’t have to see her strip.

John Cena vs. Razor Ramon- Neither of these guys deserve a title match at an Ultimate Wrestlemania, but they both deserve to be involved.

No DQ 4 Corners Match: Brock Lesnar vs. The Ultimate Warrior vs. Batista vs. Diesel- Four former champions, four very large men, and only one will be left standing at the end. As Bo would tell you, none of them are great technical wrestlers, but considering how popular each was at his peak, puttting all in the ring at once with no rules should make for a match most fans can enjoy.

Intercontinental Championship: Shawn Michaels (c) vs. The Macho Man w/ Miss Elizabeth- This match has it all. Both had huge followings and were excellent on the microphone, plus I think a pre-Wrestlemania 8 Ric Flair type play for Miss Elizabeth by Michaels could make for a great buildup. They are also both excellent in the ring. Savage’s match against Steamboat at Wrestlemania 3 and Michaels’ matches with Ramon at 10 and Hart at 11 are all considered classics. You see, Bo, I’m throwing some bones to your crew.

Hell in a Cell Match: Andre the Giant vs. Ric Flair- I know this match looks a little strange on paper, but I really think it would work well. They are undoubtedly two of the biggest names in the history of professional wrestling, and a 2 or 3 month buildup of Flair antagonizing the Giant would make for a great storyline. Obviously, Flair would have to carry the match, but this format allows the dirtiest player in the game to use anything from a steel chair to a sledge hammer, which would help with the realism of seeing such different sized people going at it. Andre busting Flair open and giving him that pink head of hair we’ve seen 1000 times would be worth it by itself.

Word Heavyweight Championship: Hulk Hogan (c) vs. “Stone Cole” Steve Austin- The two biggest stars in the history of the WWF go at it in my main event. If there was no draft and I had access to everybody, this would still be my main event. Bo’s taken his shots at Hogan, and I’ve already defended him, but I need to reiterate that like him or hate him, there’s no bigger name in wrestling. And remember we’re taking these guys in their primes. No match I can think of can top late-80′s Hogan vs. early-OO’s Austin. Marketing this match would be the easiest thing Vince McMahon has ever done, and I still fully believe that he’d pick this as his Ultimate Wreslemania main event as well.