http://sports.espn.go.com/espnmag/story?id=4179981

I know this article may have been mainly tounge in cheek, but I was just so completely annoyed by it that I had to post something. It really is the perfect article for Fire Joe Morgan to tear to shreds, but unfortunately those days are over. I’m going to go ahead and attempt to FJMize it anyway, because A) I can’t let Rick Reilly get away with this, and B) I have nothing better to do.

Here’s my solution for fixing baseball: put me in charge

by Rick Reilly

I personally find baseball so crushingly boring I would happily plunge knitting needles into my eyes to avoid another snap zoom of Joe Torre’s nostril hairs.

But my buddies like it, so I sit and watch with them. And bitch.

Rick Reilly, who makes an obscene amount of money writing about SPORTS, is essentially admitting that he only watches baseball because he doesn’t have any friends who will watch like America’s Next Top Model or something with him.

“Why do all these ballparks have to be so precious?” I was opining the other night. “You take Houston’s. Why does it have a rise in centerfield for no apparent reason? Why is there a train running along the fence? Any chance we could stick the architect under it? Why is the outfield wall in San Francisco made of five different substances and at five different heights? What is this, pachinko? I mean, if I were commissioner … “

Some ballparks are American landmarks, some are old and outdated, some (like Pac Bell which you mocked) are new and awesome, and some are kind of weird and gimmicky. A similar range of characterizations can be made about anything from golf courses to automobiles, so I guess I’m wondering: what the fuck is you point?

Oh yea, baseball sucks, I forgot.

And that’s when my buddy spun around on me, red-faced, and yelled, “Tell you what! I hope you do end up commissioner! But until then, just shut up and watch the game!!!”

I was shocked into silence. Because I realized, “He thinks I could be commish!”

I think you’re purposely being self-effacing here, so I’ll let you slide, but I mean, clearly, he just wants you to stop talking about stupid, inane bullshit while he’s trying to watch a game.

And so, I am hereby announcing my candidacy. Bud Selig is, what, 108? And here are the things I’ll change before I even hang my coat on the door peg:

1) We’ll put in a pitch clock. The reason baseball is slower than cold honey tipped over is that there’s no clock when men are on base. You get 10 seconds to shoot a free throw. Golf penalizes you for taking more than 40 seconds over a shot. A chair umpire takes a point from a player who uses more than 25 seconds to serve after a dead ball. But umps let hitters step out of the box to readjust their socks, belts, sleeves, gloves, jerseys and helmets — after a ball! They let pitchers fuss endlessly with their rosin bags, the rubber and their eternally askew cups, while we fans decide which of our peanuts resemble presidents.

That’s part of the game, dude. Maybe you don’t like it because you’re an a-hole, but that doesn’t mean people who do like baseball want you to fuck with the rules. It’d be like me writing a column about how golf should start allowing competitors to hit each other with clubs. CHIPS AND PUTTS ARE BORINGGGG!! GOLF SUCKS!! MORE CONTACT!!!!!!

But with my 15-second pitch clock, we get the hitter in the box, the pitcher on the mound and everybody in their homes by 10 p.m. We get two-hour-15-minute games instead of four-hour sunburns. We get World Series games that kids can see end. And not a dime of ad money is lost!

PUT QUICKSAND IN THE BUNKERS!!!

2) Once a week, every player signs autographs for 10 minutes by the dugout. Don’t tell me you’re too busy, Mr. Seven-Car Garage. I’ve seen you elbows-deep in the clubhouse porn stash.

Not unique to baseball, nothing to do with the actual sport, and if this is your second biggest gripe than you shouldn’t have even bothered shitting out this article.

3) We’ll bring in Olympic testing. Saying “baseball players cheat” is like saying “wolves like hamburger.” In the Small-Balls era, nobody — not the players, not the owners, not the writers — tried to stop it. Where were all these books when we needed them? But when I bring in the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) — and let it test anytime, road or home — we’ll finally see who’s faker than Octomom’s lips.

Seriously, fuck you, dude. You think Bud Selig secretly wants guys to use steroids or something? The MLBPA is one of the most powerful unions in the world, and they would never allow this. I would pay to see you try to make this happen though.

Rick Reilly: Hi, this is new MLB commish, Rick Reilly.

Gene Orza: That asshole who tried to make Sammy Sosa pee in a cup?

Rick Reilly: HAHA exactly! Anyway, as you well know, saying baseball players cheat is like saying wolves like hamburger. So I want to bring in the World Anti-Doping Agency — and let it test anytime, road or home – then we’ll finally see who’s faker than Octomom’s lips!!!

Gene Orza: Fuck you (hangs up)

4) If you’re 0-for-4, the crowd picks your at-bat music. Is it my fault if they choose “Nothing From Nothing” by Billy Preston?

Yes, I’ve always thought that a huge problem with baseball is the lack of public humiliation.

Go watch Cops or something if you want to see people get torn down for your own enjoyment. What if I suggested Augusta start blaring Surfing USA every time someone hit one into the water?

5) The National League will get the DH. No more pitchers swinging a bat at a ball the way Paris Hilton swings a shovel at a moth.

Awful, awful joke, and many people would completely go the opposite way with this argument. It is, however, an argument to be had, just not with random assholes who hate baseball.

6) We’ll fine more players. The NFL fines guys $5,000 for not having their socks right. Nuggets forward Kenyon Martin got a $25,000 fine for shoving a guy. But often, Selig yawns when pitchers throw 95 mph retaliation beanballs. You want to brain a guy just because he stood in the box after his moon shot? Okay. We’ll fine you until your kids end up in public school.

I really don’t get this. You’d think that Rick Reilly, a dude who is completely bored by baseball in general, would enjoy a good beanball or brawl to liven up the game, but nope, he hates it. I really get the feeling he just wants excuses to make the games end as quickly as possible, so he can make his shitty friends put on Ugly Betty.

7) Umps will be in charge of rainouts year round, not the home team. I’m sick of seeing a full house soak for two hours 59 minutes waiting for the manager to get word from his owner to call it, just because the greedball wants to sell more $9 beers. We’ll put Double Doppler 9000 in the umps’ room, and they’ll decide in under an hour.

Boring.

8. Balls that hit the foul pole are foul. Duh.

Yes, let’s change one of the most basic rules of our nation’s pastime because of an ironically named part of the field. Brilliant.

9) A prospect won’t be allowed to enter an MLB farm system until he’s the age of a college sophomore, just like in the NBA. Over the years, I’ve noticed most baseball players are dumber than toe lint. This is because many of them report to the minors even before graduating high school. In 2004, ex-Cubs ace Mark Prior told USC’s business school that he heard he was “one of only 17 current major leaguers with a college degree.” That stat can be matched only in the American janitorial industry. My plan will bring in players who enjoy reading something other than Garfield Out to Lunch.

Honestly, this offends me. This asshole is insinuating that because many players are not at a high enough intellectual level for his taste, they should be banned from the sport. Many of these dudes were plucked off impoverished island nations at the age of 15, so seriously, fuck you if you’re somehow offended by their lack of an education. The ability to trade witty puns with Rick Reilly will never become the sixth tool no matter how much you moan about it.

10) And most important, if you’re the dweeb fan on your cell behind home plate waving at the camera, the rest of your section gets to pour beer down your shorts.

How about if you’re a guy who sits with his friends watching a game only so he can talk about how much baseball sucks, and how dumb all the players are? I say that guy gets a gallon of battery acid poured down his pants.