So I stumbled upon this article from the Washington Post’s website, and it actually infuriated me more than anything Rick Reilly has ever written. The author is responding to Joe Banner’s statement that the Eagles have the best roster in football. Now, if I were just reading it on behalf of myself as an Eagles fan, then I probably would’ve left it alone, but because the birds are now also Bo’s employer, I feel I have no choice but to step in and make this guy pay. What can I say? I’m loyal.

http://views.washingtonpost.com/theleague/panelists/2009/07/joe-banner-philadelphia-eagles-kun.html

Banner Is a 10-Year-Old

by Michael Kun

Oh shit. He’s got the Benjamin Button disease? This is going to be a groundbreaking piece of reporting.

On Saturday evening, we had a cookout at our home. It was a fairly lively event and, as you might expect, for a good part of the evening the men and their sons were gathered around the barbeque talking sports.

It was loud and fun.

I already hate this guy just for making “it was loud and fun” a stand-alone paragraph.

Until the subject turned to the NFL and the 10-year-old son of one of our friends suddenly announced that the Eagles had the best team in football.

Well it’s definitely debatable, but in my humble opinion, that 10 year old is right. I, along with my 10 year old friend, would certainly welcome a counter-argument though. Perhaps, you will now break down the rosters of teams like the Pats and Steelers to prove why they are actually better than the Eagles? Is that the point of this article? (SPOILER ALERT: nope, trick question. there is, in fact, no point to this article)

Then you could hear the proverbial crickets chirping as a bunch of grown men tried to figure out how to explain to a 10-year-old that, well, he was just plain wrong.

…before finally just giving up, and deciding instead to beat the kid within an inch of his life.

Not only are the Eagles not the best team in football, but, in our lifetimes, they have never been the best team in football.

First of all, that’s not necessarily true. There have been times over the past 10 years where the Eagles were probably the best team before injuries struck the point moot. I get your point though. They never won a Super Bowl. Fair enough, but what the fuck does this have to do with this year?

Never.

Douche

Ever.

Bag

The first thing to look at to determine whether they are the best team in football would be whether they won the championship last year, we explained to our friend’s son. Did the Eagles win the Super Bowl last year? No.

The ’04 Pats are the only team to repeat in the last decade. Rosters in the NFL are by far the most liquid of all sports. Who won last year very rarely matters, and this particular Steelers team was certainly no juggernaut. In fact, the Eagles manhandled them when they did meet, so if I was the 10 year old boy, my reply to this point would be “fuck you, old man.”

Recognizing that sometimes fluky things happen and the best teams don’t win (feel free to insert your own examples here), the second step in determining whether they are the best team in football would be whether they had the best record in the NFL, we explained. Did the Eagles have the best record in the league last year? No. They were 9-6-1. The Giants won 3 more games than they did. That’s not a lot in baseball. But in football, winning 3 more games than your rival is pretty darned big.

Um, and then they beat the Giants in Giants stadium twice in the last month of the season, including a playoff game, and by all reasonable measures, had a better offseason (at least on paper), so who cares about what happened in the first 3 months of last season?

Did something fluky happen to deprive them of a championship that they otherwise would have or should have won last year? No. Instead, a bunch of fluky things happened that help them get further than they otherwise should have. Like, oh, a tie game. And, say, a star receiver for the division rival Giants shooting himself in the thigh (thereby setting both NFL season and career records for most times a star receiver has shot himself in the thigh). And a star receiver for the division rival Cowboys shooting his mouth off and destroying a team that, on paper, was better than the Eagles.

Oh man oh man oh man. That paragraph pissed me off so much that I had to get up from my computer, punch a hole in the wall, then return to tear this apart piece by piece.

Did something fluky happen to deprive them of a championship that they otherwise would have or should have won last year? No.

Well, that Cardinal game could’ve gone either way, and if you remember, it did end on a 4^th down incompletion to Kevin Curtis that could’ve easily been called interference, which would’ve kept alive a potential game tying drive in a game that could’ve send them to the Super Bowl. Whatever though, that’s football, I don’t mind conceding this point.

Instead, a bunch of fluky things happened that help them get further than they otherwise should have.

If you’re referring to Week 17 where several seemingly unlikely events had to occur to leave the Eagles with even a shot at the playoffs, including the 3-12 Raiders beating the Bucs, and all of them happening, then yes, I will definitely grant you this point as well.

Like, oh, a tie game.

Wait what? A tie game? Against the fucking Bengals? That was a great break that made their season? You can’t be serious. I really don’t believe this guy even watched that game. I think he just saw they were 9-6-1 and said to himself, “A tie! Football teams don’t tie! Now I’ve got you, Banner!”

And, say, a star receiver for the division rival Giants shooting himself in the thigh (thereby setting both NFL season and career records for most times a star receiver has shot himself in the thigh).

Plaxico getting hurt certainly helped the Eagles last year, so yes, if you want to call that “fluky” then technically you’re right, but he’s not going to be playing next year either so how the fuck does this enhance your point in any way? It’s not like the Eagles snuck by the Giants with a bad call or a weird bounce that can’t be duplicated this year. Their best offensive player shot himself and is probably never going to play for the team again, losing him very obviously shifted the balance of power between the two teams, and this is somehow a check in the Giants’ column for 2009?

And a star receiver for the division rival Cowboys shooting his mouth off and destroying a team that, on paper, was better than the Eagles.

Of all the stupid, annoying bullshit in this article, this statement may be the stupidest and most annoying. The Eagles beat the Cowboys 44-6 in week 17 with the playoffs on the line for both teams. And you actually, amazingly, are arguing that the reason for this was that TO destroyed the team? This is so utterly retarded that I just shoved a fork in my eye. And even if you do want to convince yourself of this moronic assertion, how is anything TO does to destroy a team a fluke? Why not just say, “The Cowboys would’ve been 16-0 last year if it weren’t for the crazy fluke of Wade Phillips being a clueless hack and the weird anomaly of Tony Romo choking in big spots! Talk about your bad breaks!”

And on top of everything else, the Cowboys have clearly taken a step back this past offseason, and certainly don’t have a 2009 roster that matches the Eagles’, so how the fuck does anything in this entire paragraph help make your point? The only thing I can gather is that you’re saying the perfect storm of a tie game against a shitty team, Plaxico Burress shooting his dick off, and TO acting like a douche cannot possibly be duplicated, and therefore, the Eagles don’t have the best roster. Is that your thesis?

Recognizing that last year was, well, last year, the third thing to look at in determining whether the Eagles are the best team in the league would be whether the Eagles made significant offseason moves that would leapfrog them over the other, better teams. Did the Eagles do that during this past off-season? No. First round pick Jeremy Maclin is a nice receiver. But not that nice. He alone isn’t going to catapult the Eagles over the top. (And, besides, last I saw he hadn’t even signed a contract yet.) On the other side of the ball, they lost Brian Dawkins. Say what you want about Dawkins, but until the Eagles prove otherwise on the field, they just won’t be the same without him.

This is just pure ignorance. The Eagles’ biggest problem last year was short yardage offense. Of the 19 games they played, they only lost one by more than 7 points, meaning just about every week, they had the ball in the 4^th quarter with a chance to tie the game or take the lead, and the inability to convert key 3^rd and 4^th and shorts killed them time and time again. And thus, in the offseason, they added Jason Peters, one of the most physically gifted tackles in football, and Stacy Andrews, a mammoth road grating guard. Plus, Shawn Andrews, one of the most dominant guards in football before missing all of last season, will hopefully be healthy enough to return and take over at RT. Throw in the additions of Leonard Weaver, their first true full back in years, and Lesean McCoy, an excellent college running back, and it becomes clear that you have conveniently glossed over the fact that they have completely overhauled their biggest weakness. I believe you actually just attempted to argue that Jeremy Maclin was the only notable addition. The point of this article is to refute Joe Banner’s statement that the Eagles are the best team in football, your overly aggressive title calls him a 10 year old, and yet you clearly know nothing about the composition of their roster.

So, we asked the 10-year old boy as politely as we could, how could you say that the Eagles are the best team in football?

Because they are

His answer: “Because they’re my favorite team.”

Great. I’m glad you bullied a 10 year old kid into admitting he can’t win a football debate against the 10 drunk 50 year olds hovering over him. Pat yourself on the back, you’re a real hero.

In an odd way, you have to respect that answer.

And, in just as odd a way, his answer is no different than Joe Banner saying that the Eagles have the best roster in the NFL, because Joe Banner’s business card says, “President, Philadelphia Eagles” on it. And not only is it Joe Banner’s job to promote the Philadelphia Eagles, but, presumably, they are his favorite team.

Yes, “presumably”, Joe Banner’s favorite football team is the one whose successes and failures determine his livelihood. Excellent deduction. You’ve really nailed him here. Edward R. Murrow would be proud.

And if Joe Banner, President of the Philadelphia Eagles, doesn’t believe the Eagles have the best roster in the league, he is nevertheless obligated to say so. Perhaps not morally or legally, but something close. Because while there probably would be few consequences if the President of the Houston Texans admitted that the Texans did not have the best roster in the league, the President of the Philadelphia Eagles could not admit that even if he wanted to.

What the fuck are you talking about, dude? He could just not say anything. Did any other team president say their team had the best roster this year? Does Banner make this proclamation every single year? I could be wrong, but I’m fairly certain the answer is no to both questions.

Because, you see, his team plays in Philadelphia, and if you have ever been to Philadelphia, you would. understand precisely why he cannot stick his neck out like that.

AGAIN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? He can’t stick his neck out? Sticking his neck out is EXACTLY what he did do, you buffoon. And trust me, Philadelphia, or any other sports town in America, would get a lot more pissed if a GM or team president claimed a team had the best roster and then sucked, then if they said nothing at all. I could swear I’m being punk’d right now. Where’s Ashton?

So, do the Eagles have the best roster in the NFL?

Of course not. There are, off the top of the head, eight other teams that have better rosters, and they start with the Patriots and Steelers. Toss in the Giants, Colts, Vikings (regardless of what Brett Favre decides to do), Ravens and the Panthers. And the Titans, too. And we haven’t even mentioned the Cardinals, Cowboys or Bears.

Wow. He finally decides to name a bunch of teams that are better and gives no explanation at all as to why they’re better. This guy really is just a complete joke. Find me one front office person in the NFL who honestly believes the Eagles are worse than all of these teams you’ve listed. Find me one legit publication who ranks them that low. You spent your whole goddamn article talking about last season, and you include 3 teams who the Eagles eliminated last year as being better, and 3 teams that didn’t make the playoffs. Do you know anything about the composition of any of these teams’ rosters, like who they signed, who they lost, who they drafted? Or are you just throwing out random teams that were pretty good last year? I honestly don’t know the answer to this.

Does Joe Banner know that?

Of course he does.

Give Joe Banner some fucking truth serum and see if he says the Eagles have the 12^th best roster in the NFL going into the season. I mean, shit, I don’t mind people being arrogant and condescending when arguing a point (or else I’d be a hypocrite), but when you’re condescending with no evidence and very little knowledge of the particular subject, then you just come off like a goddamn moron. You just seem like someone who hates the Eagles, which is ironic because I thought your whole point was that Banner and the 10 year old can’t be objective because of how much they love the Eagles. To be fair though, I guess I really have no fucking clue what your point is.

Can he say that?

Of course not.

Because the Eagles are his favorite team.

Here we go again. This argument would work a lot better if you had any evidence for why he’s incorrect other than pointless, mostly wrong assertions about last season.

That said, if you ever check out Joe Banner’s bio in the Eagles media guide, he says that Dan Fogelberg is one of his favorite singers.

Why on earth would he admit that?

Seriously.

Why?

Nice, dude. You really burned him. I really believe the Eagles will be very good this year, and if they are, I hope this 10 year old kid you decided to mock prints off about a hundred copies of this article and hands them out at your next shitty barbecue so you can be the one who 20 people surround and laugh at.