http://theparentsbasement.com/2010/02/11/2010-death-pool-draft/

Now, I must first admit that it is completely unfair of me to score it like this because technically only 2010 deaths should count. But fuck it. I’m going to take every single point anyway. The main point of this review, however, is not to bask in the glory of my victory, but to focus on the unbelievable horribleness of Bo’s draft. So without further ado:

Pat – The Billy Mays All-Stars

1. Khaleid Sheikh Mohammed
2. John Wooden (Dead at 99: 1 point)
3. Seve Ballesteros (Dead at 54: 46 points)
4. Fidel Castro
5. Ernie Harwell (Dead at 92: 8 points)
6. Mohammed Ali
7. Dick Clark
8. Doug E Doug
9. Peter Falk (Dead at 83 : 17 points)
10. Verne Troyer
11. Manute Bol (Dead at 47: 53 points)
12. The Great Khali
13. Artie Lange
14. Courtney Love
15. Amy Winehouse (Dead at 27: 73 points)
16. Lex Luger
17. Martin Sheen
18. Lindsey Lohan
19. Dennis Hopper (Dead at 74: 26 points)
20. Bobby The Brain Heenan
21. Jimmy Carter
22. Elizabeth Taylor (Dead at 79: 21 points)
23. Kirk Douglas
24. Queen Elizabeth
25. Andy Rooney

TOTAL: 245 Points

Bo – “Was Gonna Pick JD Salinger A Month Ago”

1. Michael J. Fox

Can anyone explain this as a #1 pick? I picked Ali, so I can’t come out and kill someone for picking a guy with Parkinson’s, but at least Ali has had it for a really long time. It’s been 15 years since he lit the torch in Atlanta, and I would’ve felt more comfortable for everyone’s safety with world renowned arsonist Gas Can McGee doing the honors even back then. Fox is still a middle aged man. This is a Jamarcus Russell level start to the draft for Bo.

2. Brittney Spears

Again, what is he thinking here? This is the 3^rd overall pick in the draft. You need to come away with some asshole with one foot in the grave and Bo goes with a person who’s death would be absolutely shocking. Horrible pick. Horrible strategy. Embarassing.

3. Robert Byrd (Dead at 93: 7 points)

Congrats, Bo. On this pick, it actually seemed like you briefly understood the goal of this draft.

4. Pacman Jones

Can’t really criticize this pick either. I know that one day I will wake up and read “Pacman Jones dead” on ESPN.com’s headlines. It’s really just a matter of when.

5. Danica Patrick

So after two picks that actually seemed logical, Bo went back to drafting like Matt Millen after a 2 week heroin binge. Dale Earnhardt died a decade ago. They have made racing much safer since then. This is the equivalent of picking Sully Sullenberger.

6. Bret The Hitman Hart

7. Nelson Mandela

8. Rowdy Roddy Piper

9. Gene Hackman

10. Pat Summerall

11. Gheorge Muresan

This was a pretty good run by Bo. Not sure Piper and Hart would be my top two wrestling death bets, but there is at least some logic behind it. And let’s face it, at this point in his draft, I’m happy with “some logic”. Mandela and Summerall as the old guys, and Muresan as the absurdly tall guy (although obviously my Manute Bol pick was way better. Suck it, Bo) also make sense. And Hackman was worth a flier. Hasn’t panned out, but he had some potential.

12. Tera Patrick

Lazy pick here. Ron fucking Jeremy’s still running around (or maybe flopping around is the better way to put it), and I guarantee you in his day, he was doing shit that would make Tera Patrick look like the Virgin Mary. Also it’s ironic that Bo picked two girls with the last name “Patrick” cause they have careers that were dangerous 25 years ago.

13. Mahmoud Ahmedenijad

Whatever.

14. David Blaine

Picking David Blaine because you think he’s going to die during a trick is like watching House and saying “There’s no way he can solve this one!”

15. John McCain

16. Owen Wilson

17. Larry Holmes

18. Bill Conlin

19. John Goodman

20. Flea

21. Tito Jackson

22. Don Rickles

Don’t have much to say about these picks. Most are fine, except that I have to assume he picked Tito because Michael died, which is obviously retarded, and speaking of retarded…

23. Trig Palin

Preposterous pick. Unless Bo is some type of weird Darwinist who is going to go after poor Trig himself, than I think this child will live for quite a while. Thought this would be the worst pick he’d come up with, but he wasted no time in proving me wrong…

24. Linda McCartney

We did this draft in February 2010. Linda McCartney died in April 1998. For any young kids looking to get into the Death Pool business, there is one rule to remember above all others: You have to be alive to die.

25. Michael C. Hall

He was battling cancer at the time, so fair enough, but the damage to this draft has already been done.

FINAL SCORE: Pat – 245, Bo – 7

Bo’s Draft Grade: F-

Newark region

1. Kansas (No. 1 overall) vs. 16 ARK-Little Rock/San Antonio
8. George Mason vs. 9. Florida St.
5. Syracuse vs. 12. Memphis
4. Arizona vs. 13. Princeton
3. Florida vs. 14. Wofford
6. Xavier vs. 11. Clemson
7. Georgetown vs. 10. Butler
2. Texas vs. 15. Akron

Anaheim

1. Duke (No. 4 overall) vs. 16. UC-SB
8. UNLV vs. 9. Michigan St.
5. Washington vs. 12. Colorado
4. Louisville vs. 13. Oakland
3. BYU vs. 14. Long Island
6. Texas A&M vs. 11. Michigan
7. UCLA vs. 10. Missouri
2. Notre Dame vs. 15. Boston U.

San Antonio

1. Kansas vs. 16. Hampton/Alabama St.
8. Utah St. vs. 9. Old Dominion
5. St. John’s vs. 12. Illinois/USC
4. Purdue vs. 13. Belmont
3. Kentucky vs. 14. Indiana St.
6. Cincinnati vs. 11. Richmond
7. Kansas St. vs. 10. Villanova
2. North Carolina vs. 15. Northern Colorado

New Orleans

1. Pittsburgh vs. 16. NC-Asheville
8. Tennessee vs. 9. Gonzaga
5. West Virginia vs. 12. Penn St./VCU
4. Wisconsin vs. 13. Morehead St.
3. Connecticut vs. 14. Bucknell
6. Venderbilt vs. 11. Va. Tech
7. Temple vs. 10. Marquette
2. San Diego St. vs. 15. St. Peter’s

When I was falling in love with football in the mid-’70s, my beloved Patriots played in the AFC East. There were 28 teams and six divisions by 1976, which meant one division in each league had just four teams instead of five. Teams earned a playoff spot by winning their division or grabbing the one wild-card slot, which eliminated the ’77 Pats: they finished 9-5, one game behind division rivals Miami and Baltimore. Meanwhile, the AFC Central shook out like this:

Pittsburgh, 9-5
Cincinnati, 8-6
Houston, 8-6
Cleveland, 6-8

I remember bristling at the standings. Wait a second. We finished 9-5 and the Steelers finished 9-5. We were in a more difficult division with more teams. But THEY made the playoffs??? This would have been my most traumatic moment of 1977 if Farrah Fawcett-Majors hadn’t left “Charlie’s Angels.” I haven’t trusted the NFL’s divisional setup since.

Let’s take a look at just how big of an injustice the 1977 Patriots suffered:

Patriots 1977 Season

9 Wins: KC (2-12), SEA (5-9), @SD (7-7), BAL (10-4), NYJ (3-13), @BUF (3-13), PHI (5-9), @ATL (7-7), MIA(9-5)

5 Losses: @CLE (6-8), @NYJ (3-13), BUF (3-13), @MIA (9-5), @BAL (10-4)

Total Opponents Record: 82-114

Playoff Teams on Schedule: BAL (1^st Round Loss)

Steelers 1977 Season

9 Wins: SF (5-9), @CLE (6-8), CIN (8-6), HOU (8-6), CLE (6-8), DAL (12-2), @NYJ (3-13), SEA (5-9), @SD (7-7)

5 Losses: OAK (11-3), @HOU (8-6), @BAL (10-4), @DEN (12-2), @CIN (8-6)

Total Opponents Record: 109-87

Playoff Teams on Schedule: DAL (Won Super Bowl), DEN (Lost Super Bowl), OAK (Lost Championship Game), BAL (1^st Round Loss)

That pretty much speaks for itself. The driving force behind Simmons’ supposed “distrust” of the divisional format is total bullshit. The Steelers’ schedule was much, much harder in just about any way you look at it, and the poor Patriots’ unfair 5 team division included two 3-13 teams, both of whom they lost to. If a college student wrote a term paper using evidence that was this poorly researched and this easily disproved, he would get an F, yet this gem goes on the front page of the most visited sports website in America.

Granted, I probably would have loved it had the Patriots not been stuck in the AFC East. The Dolphins kicked our butts through the ’70s (the Griese/Shula Era) and ’80s (when Dan Marino showed up), which was especially galling because Miami is located in Florida … which, of course, is nowhere near Massachusetts. Buffalo eventually assumed control of the division, ripping off 124 wins from 1988 to 1999 — let’s take a break while the tortured Bills fans solemnly pour a 40 on the ground — and just as they were fading, Peyton Manning’s Colts jelled into a contender. My Pats finally caught a break before the 2002 season, when the league expanded and realigned to eight divisions (sending Indy to the AFC South). The playing field finally seemed fair: 32 teams, four teams per division. What could go wrong?

Fast-forward to 2010: Have you checked out the NFC West lately?

So the second piece of evidence cited is the fact that 4 of the 5 AFC East teams had a separate window of dominance over a 30+ year period. If the goal here was to prove how the NFL is cyclical, then job well done. Unfortunately, it was intended to prove that the divisions are somehow inherently unfair, which is pretty much the opposite of that. And also you cannot compare the 70’s, 80’s or even much of the 90’s to now. In that era, teams could stockpile players and hold onto their nucleus for years. Nowadays, rosters turn over quicker than David Halberstam did when he read this article inside his casket.

DIVISION RECORDS SINCE 2002

I know, it isn’t exactly stunning when the NFC West Albatross drags down another NFL season. Since 2002, that division has been like Lt. Stephanie Holden on “Baywatch” — unable to measure up to everyone else no matter how hard the producers kept pushing it (see sidebar). But this season is particularly rancid even by NFC West standards. By my calculations, San Francisco (I have them ranked 23rd), Seattle (25th), Arizona (27th) and St. Louis (30th) are four of the league’s worst 10 teams. So far, their only victories have come against one another. A closer look:

Well no matter how idiotic the premise of this article is, at least we all got a good belly laugh out of that Baywatch joke. I’m going to go ahead and make this point now, because this is where Simmons starts to get into the crux of his argument. The NFL is a salary capped league. Every team is on a level playing field regardless of the size of their media markets or fan bases and this is pretty clearly demonstrated by the unpredictability of each season. It seems that every year, at least one team goes from worst to first, or vice versa. Last year, the Super Bowl was won by a team that was mediocre the season before. No one knows who will be good year to year, so the idea that we need to scrap all the history and rivalries currently in place, just because one division is going through a dry spell, is so asinine that I really feel like we all have a solid case to sue ESPN for posting it.

Seahawks (1-1): Won nine games total in 2008 and 2009, overpaid a college coach, gutted their team and somehow ended up with the league’s fifth-highest payroll ($138.8 million). Throw in a general Washington sports malaise — the Mariners might lose 100 games, the Zombie Sonics look like a title contender, Kevin Durant flashed GOAT potential in Turkey, the Jake Locker Heisman Bandwagon careened off I-5 and flipped 35 times and the state’s two biggest sports highlights of the past three years involved the WNBA and MLS — and it’s hard to imagine the Hawks winning more than six games.

Would someone fucking tell Leon Washington that Kevin Durant played well in a tournament no one cared about? He obviously doesn’t know or the malaise would’ve prevented him from returning those kicks the other day.

You can’t overstate how devastating the Sonics/Durant double whammy has been for Seattle fans. After my gushing Durant column last week, my former editor KJ, a lifelong Sonics die-hard, sent me an e-mail that simply read, “Cue up Eddie Vedder: ‘I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life, I know you’ll be a sun in somebody else’s sky, but why can’t it be mine?’” Any time sports drives a fan to quote “Black,” the single most depressing song by a Seattle band other than “Black Hole Sun,” you know something truly hideous has happened.

Thank God he qualified that with Black Hole Sun. I wouldn’t have been able to sleep at night if a column proposing NFL realignment unfairly credited Eddie Vedder with having the most depressing song by a Seattle band.

Rams (0-2): Losers of 15 straight NFC West games, 11 straight divisional home games and 44 of their past 50 games. Here’s their 2010 team picture.

They just got a guy who looks like a potential franchise QB. Do you think we should give them a few years to continue to build the team around him? Or should we use their mediocrity as part of our excuse to blow up the whole fucking league? Tough call.

Cardinals (1-1): Their star quarterback ditched them for “Dancing With the Stars,” murdering their offense, sending Larry Fitzgerald into therapy (I’m guessing) and leading to last week’s humiliating trouncing in Atlanta; after cruising to a 41-7 lead, the Falcons took mercy with a few minutes to go by having Matt Ryan kneel four times inside Arizona’s 10. And yes, we’re three-fourths of the way through the division.

They almost won the Super Bowl two years ago and made it to the Divisional round last year, which based on the recent history of Super Bowl losers, is a pretty good season. Now, their QB retired, Boldin was traded, and Dansby left via Free Agency. Peaks and valleys, Bill. That’s how the NFL works.

(Quick tangent: Kurt Warner’s new TV career led to the funniest subplot of the 2010 season, when Cardinals fans subjected themselves to “Dancing With the Stars” and prayed that Warner would be the worst star — that way, he’d get voted off first and might get talked into a comeback — only Margaret Cho, David Hasselhoff and The Situation were significantly more inept, leading to an unexpected scenario in which red-blooded football fans were complaining about things like: “I can’t believe Margaret Cho wore that outfit, it killed her!” and “Really, The Situation couldn’t have found more than five days in his busy schedule of showing off his abs at nightclubs to practice his routine?”)

I mentioned earlier that this would get an F from a college professor, but out of curiosity, if this were a term paper, how would he cite those quotes? What is the MLA format for fake people saying made up things?

Niners (0-2): Even though they lost 66 of their past 99 games and haven’t topped .500 since 2002, everyone assumed they’d win this wretched division by default until Seattle improbably whupped them in Week 1, then the Niners choked on Monday night against a Saints team that seemed genuinely uninterested until the final 90 seconds. Although Vegas still gives it the best NFC West odds (-120), San Fran’s next two games are in Kansas City and Atlanta — and by the way, only one 0-4 team has ever made the playoffs — and the Niners have road games in Green Bay (Week 13) and San Diego (Week 15) coming later.

Could the Niners finish 8-8 or 9-7? Of course. Their remaining home games: Philly, Oakland, Denver, St. Louis, Tampa Bay, Seattle and Arizona. That’s seven non-playoff teams unless Tampa is for real. (Which isn’t as impossible as it sounds. These past two weeks, Josh Freeman looked like a young Ben Roethlisberger with faster legs: impossible to take down and consistently able to extend plays. And no, I can’t believe I just wrote that, either.) We may end up considering San Fran’s 0-2 start an unfortunate hiccup. Then again, that scenario includes the Niners growing up into a real football team, which seems unlikely after what happened Monday night: It wasn’t just the turnovers (four) or the coaching (disjointed as always), but the lame excuses that followed. Sure, these excuses weren’t as ridiculous as Buffalo coach Chan Gailey telling reporters this week, “We can be a good football team, but we’re not right now, and we have to get there … it’s taking longer than I hoped it would.” (Wait, what?) But they were still pretty bad.

If you’re a female between the ages of 18-40 (large majority of our readership), please be advised that we have unconfirmed reports of “a young Ben Roethlisberger with faster legs” roaming around. Enter bathrooms at your own risk.

You know what that means? We might make history in two ways:

1. The 2010 NFC West could break the record for “fewest wins by a four-team division” (22 wins, previously held by the 2008 NFC West) and “lowest average wins per division team in NFL history” (5.5, also held by the NFC West). How pathetic would that be? Breaking your own record of historic incompetence?

How pathetic would that be if this random record no one cares about hypothetically gets broken?

2.Since the league expanded to a 16-game schedule in 1978, 50 9-7 teams have made the playoffs, one 8-7-1 team made it (the ’78 Vikings) and eight 8-8 teams have made it (’85 Browns, ’90 Saints, ’91 Jets, ’99 Cowboys, ’99 Lions, ’04 Vikings, ’04 Rams, ’08 Chargers) … but never a sub-.500 team. Unless a ’10 NFC West team does it.

7 of the 8 current divisions are represented by those 8 teams. I realize he went back further than the 8 division format, but the point remains the same: The league is cyclical, asshole. Ten years from now some other division will suck. It might even be the AFC East.

I honestly wonder if Simmons was watching a Red Sox game and bitching about how one of the best teams in baseball would miss the playoffs because of the division they play in, then started to write a column about it, and then at the last second, changed the subject from MLB to the NFL because he realized he had to shit out a football column by Friday.

Here’s my question: Why create the potential of a 10-win team missing the playoffs just because we were obligated to include a sub-.500 team? The easiest solution: Any division champ that doesn’t win eight games loses its guaranteed playoff spot. If you go 7-8-1, 7-7-2, 7-6-3, 6-6-4, whatever … you’re out. I want eight victories. Minimum. Then again, you shouldn’t sneak into the playoffs with eight wins just because you lucked out with a crappy division. The NFC West has lost 58 percent of its games since 2002. Fifty-eight percent! Why should the division champ be grandfathered in every year like some drunk legacy kid at a country club?

There’s something oddly Marxist about that paragraph. Like a much, much dumber version of Marx, of course. But anyway, the teams inside any given division play 14 common games. The other two games are based on records from the previous season. In my mind, it is a very symmetrical, easy to understand format. You finish with a better record than the other 3 teams playing the same schedule, then you make the playoffs. If you don’t, tough shit, you take your chances in the Wild Card race.

A more radical (and fairer) solution: We shake things up starting in 2011 and create four eight-team divisions …

AFC East: New England, New York, New York, Buffalo, Philly, Baltimore, Washington, Carolina.

AFC West: Oakland, San Francisco, San Diego, Seattle, Denver, Arizona, Kansas City, St. Louis.

(Pause here to notice that his brilliant realignment scheme has still produced a division that would be significantly shittier than any other division in 2010.)

NFC Central: Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Detroit, Cincinnati, Green Bay, Indianapolis, Chicago, Minnesota.

NFC South: Miami, Tampa Bay, Dallas, Houston, New Orleans, Tennessee, Atlanta, Jacksonville.

Geographically? Makes total sense. Finally. (Is there anything dumber than Baltimore being in the AFC Central but Miami being in the AFC East?)

Strictly based on geography, I’d argue that Dallas being in the NFC East is much, much dumber.  They belong in that division though, just as Miami belongs in the AFC East, because the rivalries created over years and years of grudge matches are way more important to the league than where places are on a fucking map. There are so many problems with these divisions that I don’t even want to start singling things out for fear that I’ll never be able to stop.

I do want to make one point though. He has completely raped the historical setup of the league, so why even keep the AFC/NFC names? It just looks dumb having an East and West in one conference, and a Central and South in the other. If you’re going to embrace geography over history to this extent, then why not just do Eastern Conference and Western Conference? I actually think that would be less of a slap in the face than potentially having a Super Bowl where a team like Miami represented the NFC against, let’s say, the Giants representing the AFC.

Competitively, since the owners are stupidly/stubbornly/indefensibly/greedily/soullessly/selfishly pushing for an 18-game regular season and will inevitably prevail (sadly, there’s no real way to stop them even as their sport inches closer and closer to that final scene of “Rollerball”), we change the schedule’s requirements so teams play home-and-homes with three of their division rivals every season (never the same three teams); they play the other four division rivals once; they play four teams from the other division in their conference; then they play four teams from the other conference. That’s 18 games … and tons of collateral damage. But, hey, who cares about the health, happiness and well-being of retired football players?

Bill Simmons, the man who wants to completely ignore 50 years of rivalries and take a meat cleaver to the setup of the league, is now lecturing the NFL on how they treat their retired players. I’m sure setting up the conferences in such a way that the original meaning of the Super Bowl (AFL vs. NFL) is bludgeoned beyond recognition would really make Chuck Bednarik and Len Dawson feel warm and fuzzy at night. Clearly, paying medical bills is of much greater concern to the players from that era, but I think they’d also like their legacies to be somewhat meaningful to the current generation of players and fans. And having a national sports columnist essentially argue that it is more important to avoid an 8-8 playoff team than it is to keep intact any connection to the past does not help with that.

For my revamped playoffs, the four division champs would earn byes for Round 1. Everything else would play out like it does now: 12 playoff teams, four rounds, winner takes all. And we’d never have to worry about a sub-.500 team getting 10-plus points at home in a first-round playoff game ever again.

(On second thought, it would be kinda fun to wager against Alex Smith or Derek Anderson in a playoff game.)

(Especially in a two-team teaser.)

(Forget I brought this up.)

Believe me, I wish I could.

On Twitter last weekend, I mixed it up with my arch-nemesis Chad Ford on the following topic: “How much should March Madness affect our feelings about NBA prospects?”

I always like riling Chad up because he’s a conflict-resolution professor. Ticking him off is like getting Tim Tebow to swear. Anyway, he tweeted that tournament performance affects evaluations by NBA teams, for better and worse, although he didn’t think it was necessarily fair. I responded that it was fair. What better time to determine someone’s intestinal/testicular/mental fortitude than March Madness? It’s the ultimate “sink or swim” stage. Chad disagreed with my disagreement and it was on. Twitter fight!

This is almost too obvious to even bother pointing out, but clearly, Bill Simmons thinks March Madness is a key determinate in pro potential because it is the only time he watches college basketball. He has to make these games the main emphasis for evaluating talent, because otherwise, his opinions would be meaningless.

Here’s my case in a nutshell: Let’s say I owned Marquis Jet and wanted to find new pilots to fly my 12-seat airplanes. Let’s say I narrowed it down to 30 candidates and had a chance to fly cross-country with them in inclement weather. Let’s say 20 of them did fine, five were amazing and five completely melted down, to the degree that I had to grab the controls or we would have crashed.

Should this matter?

(Hold on, I’ll give you an extra second to think about it.)

(And … time.)

OF COURSE! OF COURSE IT MATTERS! I just looked into their souls. I just tested them in the most intense way possible. That doesn’t matter?

Wow. This is a horrible analogy. If you selected 30 pilots and 1/6 of them melted down in inclement weather then you’re the fucking moron. Playing basketball is not like flying a plane in any fucking way. The best players in the world have off nights, sometimes even on the highest possible stage, but this doesn’t make them bad at basketball. If a pilot started pissing himself one day because he saw a raindrop, I don’t think anyone is going to be saying, “You know Joe is a really good pilot, one of our best, he’s just in a slump.” One fuck up could be career threatening or even life threatening for a pilot. Most basketball players fuck up several times a game. The bottom line is that for any draft prospect, there will be a minimum of 30 games to base conclusions upon, plus for many of them, previous seasons and previous tournaments. Forget the stupid pilot analogy. Basing someone’s draft stock on 1 or 2 games would be like someone reading this shitty column and deciding on your worth as a writer.

Sink or swim. That’s March Madness. Should opinions on pro potential (or, as reader Shaun Fagan cleverly calls it, “protential”) be formed entirely on tournament performance? Of course not. That’s ridiculous. But in a perfect world, Madness accentuates opinions we’re already thinking and feeling. What are those things? I narrowed them down to 10 questions. I don’t need all of them answered, or even most of them … but if I can get three or four protential answers, I am delighted.

Can’t wait.

Question No. 1: Does Player X pass the Foxhole Test?

In other words, would you want him as a teammate if you were playing a pickup game to 11 with the following stakes: Losers spend the weekend in a movie theater watching a 48-hour marathon of “The Backup Plan”? Kansas State’s Jacob Pullen passed this test Saturday: gamer, warrior, tough as nails, totally unafraid, bounces off bigger guys, carried KSU all game (eight 3s). Scouts are dubious because, basically, he’s a 6-foot-tall 2-guard. Or so they think. Because I see him evolving into a goofy hybrid of Kyle Lowry and Aaron Brooks: a shoot-first point guard with 3-point range who battles on every play. You could do worse in the second round, that’s for sure. At least we know he’s a fighter.

This is a perfect example of Simmons watching a player for two games and making a rash judgment. I would be willing to bet that Jacob Pullen is playing somewhere in Europe next year. His best case scenario is probably the D-League. A hybrid of Kyle Lowry and Aaron Brooks? You have to be fucking kidding me. How about a hybrid of Carl Krauser and Allan Ray?  

 (Important note: I swear on my son’s life that I first wrote the previous paragraph Wednesday afternoon, a day and a half before Pullen donned the hero’s cape in Thursday night’s epic double-overtime victory over Xavier. See? The Foxhole Test never fails!!!!)

Yes, this is true. FOXHOLE TEST NEVER FAILS!!! Why else is Christian Laettner a surefire Hall of Famer? You got a better explanation for Miles Simon spending a decade on the All-NBA First Team? Throw in the careers of Keith Smart, Juan Dixon, Tyus Edney, Bryce Drew, Jai Lewis, Scotty Thurman, Mateen Cleaves, Ed O’Bannon, John Wallace, etc. etc. etc, and this becomes more than just a theory, it is proven fact. Evidence is evidence!

One other Foxhole guy I love: John Wall. It’s his single best quality; he detests losing and consistently ratchets up his game in big moments. During the SEC title game, with Kentucky trailing by two and needing to rebound an intentional free throw-miss, I watched him as the free throw was in the air, thinking “I bet John Wall finds a way to get this rebound.” And you know what? He did. That’s what I want from my Foxhole Guys: Find a way to win.

Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy. This would be like calling Carmelo Anthony a foxhole guy in 2003. Just like Wall, he was the best player in the tournament. Does that make him a “foxhole guy”? Has he proven to be so in the NBA? Or was he just a really, really good basketball player playing against guys that aren’t that good? And is the rest just stupid bullshit? You tell me.

Question No. 3: If Player X is a perimeter scorer or scoring point guard, can he get to any spot he wants?

Put it this way: If he can’t make the executive decision a few times per game of “I’m going to beat my guy, get into the paint and get a good shot” or “I’m getting to the rim and either scoring or they’ll have to foul me,” then it’s not happening in the pros. Did you watch Oklahoma State play Georgia Tech? Poor James Anderson’s stock fell through the floor. At least for me. He couldn’t get anywhere he wanted to go. That means four words: “Welcome to the D-League.”

So let me get this straight. James Anderson plays 3 years against Big 12 competition, which means there is 3 years of data and 3 years of easily accessible film on this guy, yet the one game Bill Simmons watched is going to make or break his draft stock? If I remember correctly James Harden had an even worse tournament game and still ended up going 3^rd overall.

Question No. 5: Does Player X have a meal ticket?

Saint Mary’s Omar Samhan intrigues me for one reason: If you feed him the ball within seven feet of the basket, he’s scoring unless Dwight Howard is defending him. That’s his meal ticket. I don’t care that he’s slow, that he can’t jump, that he runs like someone removed his kneecaps. Doesn’t matter. If Aaron Gray can play for 8-10 years in the NBA (and he will), so can Samhan. He has to be one of the best 30-35 guys in this draft. Has to. You can count the number of effective low-post scorers in the NBA on two hands. Still, we needed to see him do it on national TV with the Madness lights shining on him. And he did.

There was a time, however briefly, that Aaron Gray was thought to be a top 10 pick. That’s how good he was in college, and in the Big East mind you. Omar Samhan has about as much chance to make it as an NBA player as Bo’s boy, Taylor Coppenrath, did 5 years ago.

That brings me to something I call the Gerald Green Corollary: You can’t make it in the NBA unless you can do at least one thing exceedingly well. Green was an incredible athlete, but he wasn’t good at anything. Throw in a Gump-like basketball IQ and he never had a chance. Meanwhile, Ty Lawson was lightning-fast in college; nobody could stay in front of him. Guess what? He’s lightning-fast in the pros. Eric Maynor had real command of the point guard position; he owned it, for lack of a better word. Nobody ran a team better last season. Guess what? He’s a valuable backup for a 50-win team. J.J. Redick shot the living crap out of the basketball in college. Guess what? He’s making 39 percent of his 3s on a contender.

Adam Morrison owned college basketball to the point that he was being compared to Larry Bird. Guess what? He barely ever sees the floor. Hasheem Thabeet blocked shots at a rate not seen since Patrick Ewing. Guess what? He’s in the D-League. Luke Jackson was a 6’7 assassin for a very good Oregon team. Guess what? Out of the NBA. See? As long as you do one thing well in college it will DEFINITELY translate to the NBA.

Question No. 7: How much are Player X’s teammates making/breaking his success in the tournament?

Five years ago, Deron Williams jumped Chris Paul on some lists (and ended up getting drafted ahead of him) because Illinois made the title game and Wake Forest got bounced in Round 2. I never thought this was fair. Paul was so superior to his teammates that I remember feeling bad for him; they just weren’t on the same plane. (Can you name one player Paul played with that season? I bet you can’t.) I thought Paul would thrive as a pro with better teammates … and in this case, I was right.

Originally the first sentence of this paragraph read: “Five years ago, Deron Williams jumped Chris Paul on some lists (and ended up getting drafted ahead of him) because Illinois made the title game and Georgia Tech got bounced in Round 2.” They corrected the article obviously, but someone had already called Simmons out on Twitter, to which he replied “We fixed. I have a mental block w/ those 2 schools, always switch them.”

So a guy who cannot even remember what school Chris Paul played at is challenging us to name one player that played with him. Were Deron Williams’ teammates better? Yes. Were Chris Paul’s teammates horrible? No. Was the difference in teammates why he went lower? No, it was because Williams dominated Paul physically early in the year, and had a tremendous season from start to finish, including an all-time performance against Arizona where he put his team on his back. Paul, on the other hand, melted down towards the end of that season by punching Julius Hodge in the nuts to get suspended for the ACC Tournament, and then fouling out of the West Virginia game on several dumb fouls. I love Chris Paul, but the bottom line is he was outplayed by Mike Gansey in that game. It was not his teammates’ fault that he got overmatched physically several times during his college career, most notably by Williams and Jameer Nelson, and that he allowed his emotions to get the best of him at costly moments, whereas Williams already had an NBA body and always seemed the definition of cool, calm, and collected. SO LEAVE ERIC WILLIAMS, JUSTIN GRAY, TARON DOWNEY, AND JAMAAL LEVY THE FUCK ALONE!!

I have to leave it at that with this article, or else I may have a seizure.

I’m pretty sure that even if every game goes Pat’s way that I’ll still come out on top, but I’m aiming to set the all-time high score mark.

Of the tournaments still to be decided …

America East – Pat’s done since he picked Stony Brook, I can pick up another champion if Sorrentine and Coppenrath pull it out.

ACC – We both picked Duke to win, so that means we can both root against them without any second thoughts.

Atlantic 10 – One of the bigger games in our matchup is the semifinal between Xavier and Richmond. Pat tabbed Xavier to win the tourney and I went with the Spiders. As an aside, the technical foul at the end of the Dayton-Xavier game was just an absurd way for a game to end.

Big East – Pat’s got no one, I’ve got West Virginia winning it all, so if Gansey comes through there it’s definitely all over.

Big Ten – We actually both lost our champs yesterday because I picked Wisconsin. I can get another 3 from Tubby and Pat’s done here.

Big 12 – We both have Kansas.

Big West – No blood left, we both lost on Pacific.

C-USA – I’ve got UTEP, Pat’s done.

MAC – Pat can get a HUGE 6 points with an Akron win here.

MEAC – Morgan St. baby, serves you right for dissing the Bears Pat.

MWC – Both blew it with the Mormons.

SEC – Big Kentucky/Tennessee game as Pat has the Vols winning that one and then losing to Vandy in the champ. game, which is still possible. I, on the other hand, made the wise decision to pick the better team to win.

Southland – We both took Sam Houston, forsaking our roots two days before Stone Cold’s return to RAW.

SWAC – I can pick up another champion if Pine Bluff pulls it out.

WAC – We both picked Utah St.

Finally, just wanted to reiterate the notion from last year that the results rely too much on the higher conferences. It is indeed a little ridiculous that correctly picking the winner of the SWAC tournament is worth the same as picking the winner of the play-in game in the PAC 10, so perhaps we need to re-work the rules a bit for next year’s edition. Until then, we’re only a day away from my coronation.

WAC (2-pointer)

Quarters: #1 Utah St. over #8 Boise St., #4 La. Tech over #5 Fresno St., #6 San Jose St. over #3 New Mexico St., #2 Nevada over Idaho

Semis: Utah St. over La. Tech, Nevada over SJ St.

Champion: Utah St.

Utah St. is just better than everyone else, but Nevada does have home court advantage.

Mountain West (3-pointer)

Quarters: #1 New Mexico over #9 Air Force, #4 San Diego St. over #5 Colorado St., #3 UNLV over #6 Utah, #2 BYU over #7 TCU

Semis: San Diego St. over New Mexico, BYU over UNLV

Champion: BYU

Have a feeling that New Mexico slips up. Every year I think UNLV can steal this tourney because it’s in Vegas but I’m not falling for it this time.

SEC (3-pointer)

1st round: #5 South Carolina over #4 Alabama, #3 Tennessee over #6 LSU, #4 Florida over #5 Auburn, #6 Georgia over #3 Arkansas

Quarters: #1 Kentucky over South Carolina, Tennessee over #2 Mississippi, Florida over #1 Mississippi St., #2 Vanderbilt over Georgia

Semis: Kentucky over Tennessee, Vanderbilt over Florida

Champion: Kentucky

I understand Pat’s point that UK could be disinterested by this tournament, but I still think they win it. Also notice that I picked the SEC East in every head-to-head game with a west team because I think the disparity is that great.

Big Ten (3-pointer)

1st round: #8 Michigan over #9 Iowa, #6 Minnesota over #11 Penn St., #7 Northwestern over #10 Indiana

Quarters: #1 Ohio St. over Michigan, #4  Wisconsin over #5 Illinois, Minnesota over #3 Michigan St., #2 Purdue over Northwestern

Semis: Wisconsin over Ohio State, Minnesota over Purdue

Champion: Wisconsin

Like Pat, I’m a huge Izzo fan come March but I think they’re going to make their run in the real tournament and Minnesota is a bit underrated. I also think Ohio State will do very well in the big dance, but I can see them slipping up here.

ACC (3-pointer)

1st round: #8 Boston College over #9 Virginia, #5 Wake Forest over #12 Miami, #10 UNC over #7 Georgia Tech, #6 Clemson over #11 NC State

Quarters: #1 Duke over BC, #4 Virginia Tech over Wake, #2 Maryland over UNC, Clemson over #3 Florida State

Semis: Duke over Va Tech, Maryland over Clemson

Champion: Duke

Also think that Duke wins the tournament and it hurt to pick against Wake in the second round but I just don’t think they’re disciplined enough to win two games in a row right now. I’m calling you out Aminu, prove me wrong.

ACC

1st Round: UVA over BC, Wake over Miami, Georgia Tech over UNC, Clemson over NC State

2nd Round: Duke over UVA, Wake over Va. Tech, Georgia Tech over Maryland, Clemson over FSU

Semifinals: Duke over Wake, Clemson over Georgia Tech

Finals: Duke over Clemson

Thoughts: Going with my head over my heart here. Duke has won this tournament 8 of the past 11 years, and that includes a couple years (including both UNC championship seasons) when they had no business winning. For some reason, they just own this tournament. And this year they actually have the best team, so unfortunately, I think they’ll get the title and a 1 seed.

SEC

1st Round: South Carolina over Alabama, Tennessee over LSU, Florida over Auburn, Arkansas over Georgia

2nd Round: Kentucky over South Carolina, Tennessee over Ole Miss, Florida over Mississippi State, Vandy over Arkansas

Semifinals: Tennessee over Kentucky, Vandy over Florida

Finals: Vandy over Tennessee

Thoughts: Kentucky just doesn’t seem like the type of team that is going to give a shit about this tournament. It means almost nothing to them, so I think they get knocked off.

Big 10

1st Round: Michigan over Iowa, Indiana over Northwestern, Minnesota over Penn State

2nd Round: Ohio State over Michigan, Wisconsin over Illinois, Purdue over Indiana, Michigan State over Minnesota

Semifinals: Wisconsin over Ohio State, Michigan State over Purdue

Finals: Michigan State over Wisconsin

Thoughts: We’re getting to that time of year when you should never pick against Tom Izzo.

WAC

1st Round: Utah State over Boise State, La. Tech over Fresno State, Nevada over Idaho, NMSU over SJSU

2nd Round: Utah State over La. Tech, NMSU over Nevada

Finals: Utah State over NMSU

Thoughts: Very chalky

MWC

2nd Round (we missed a 1 game 1st Round): New Mexico over Air Force, San Diego State over Colorado State, BYU over TCU, UNLV over Utah

Semifinals: San Diego State over New Mexico, BYU over UNLV

Finals: BYU over San Diego State

Thoughts: Alright, that’s it. Let’s hope for a late rally so the people’s champ can keep his belt.

1st Round: Colorado over Texas Tech, Missouri over Nebraska, Oklahoma State over Oklahoma, Texas over Iowa State

2nd Round: Kansas over Colorado, Missouri over Texas A&M, Oklahoma State over K-State, Texas over Baylor

Semifinals: Kansas over Missouri, Oklahoma State over Texas

Finals: Kansas over Oklahoma State

Thoughts: Kansas is the best team in the country, but I have a feeling they’ll lose at some point in the NCAA tournament. I do not, however, think they will lose in this tournament.

Pac- 10

1st Round: Oregon over Washington State

2nd Round: California over Oregon, UCLA over Arizona, Washington over Oregon State, Arizona State over Stanford

Semifinals: UCLA over California, Arizona State over Washington

Finals: Arizona State over UCLA

Thoughts: Is this conference a joke this year or what?

Big West (Re-seed Conference)

1st Round: Fullerton over Northridge, UC-Irvine over Cal Poly

2nd Round: Long Beach State over Irvine, UC-Davis over Fullerton

Semfinals: UCSB over UC-Davis, Pacific over Long Beach State

Finals: Pacific over UCSB

Thoughts: Let’s do this for Guillaume Yango.

SWAC

1st Round: Jackson State over Grambling, Prairie View over Texas Southern, Alabama State over Alabama A&M, Ark-Pine Bluff over MVSU

Semifinals: Jackson State over Prairie View, Alabama State over Pine Bluff

Finals: Jackson State over Alabama State

Thoughts: Literally have nothing to say about this.

Southland

1st Round: Sam Houston State over Nicholls State, Texas State over SE Louisiana, Texas A&M-CC over UTSA, Stephen F. Austin over Arlington

Semifinals: Sam Houston over Texas State, A&M-CC over Stephen F. Austin

Finals: Sam Houston over A&M-CC

Thoughts: Sorry, Stone Cold, couldn’t pick you this year.

CUSA

1st Round: SMU over UCF, Tulsa over Rice, USM over Tulane, Houston over ECU

2nd Round: UTEP over SMU, Tulsa over Marshall, UAB over Southern Miss, Memphis over Houston

Semifinals: UTEP over Tulsa, Memphis over UAB

Finals: Memphis over UTEP

Thoughts: Apologies to Filiberto.

Onto the picks …

SWAC (1-pointer)

1st round: #1 Jackson St. over #8 Grambling, #5 Texas Southern over #4 Prairie View, #3 Alabama St. over #6 Alabama A&M, #2 Arkansas Pine Bluff over #7 Misississippi Valley St.

Semis: Jackson St. over Texas Southern, Pine Bluff over Alabama St.

Champion: Pine Bluff

Southland (1-pointer)

1st round: #1 Sam Houston St. over #8 Nicholls St., #4 SE Louisiana over #5 Texas St., #6 UT-San Antonio over #3 Texas A&M-CC, #2 Stephen F. Austin over #7 UT-Arlington

Semis: Sam Houston over SE LA, Stephen F. Austin over UT-SA

Champion: Sam Houston

Big West (2-pointer) - Re-seeder

1st round: #8 Cal St. Northridge over #5 Cal St. Fullerton, #7 UC-Irvine over #6 Cal-Poly

Quarters: #3 Long Beach St. over CS-Northridge, #4 UC-Davis over UC-Irvine

Semis: #1 UC-Santa Barbara over UC-Davis, #2 Pacific over Long Beach St.

Champion: Pacific

Conference USA (3-pointer)

1st round: #8 SMU over #9 UCF, #5 Tulsa over #12 Rice, #6 Southern Miss over #11 Tulane, #7 Houston over #10 ECU

Quarters: #1 UTEP over SMU, #4 Marshall over Tulsa, #3 UAB over So. Miss, #2 Memphis over Houston

Semis: UTEP over Marshall, Memphis over UAB

Champion: UTEP

Didn’t intend to go all chalk there but that’s exactly what’s going to happen so I don’t feel bad about it.

Pac-10 (3-pointer)

1st round: #9 Washington St. over #8 Oregon

Quarters: #1 Cal over Wash. St., #5 UCLA over #4 Arizona, #3 Washington over #6 Oregon St., #2 Arizona State over #7 Stanford

Semis: Cal over UCLA, Washington over Arizona St.

Champion: Washington

I have a feeling the winner of the semi between ASU and Washington wins the tourney, so take that for the nothing it’s worth.

Big XII (3-pointer)

1st round: #8 Colorado over #9 Texas Tech, #5 Missouri over #12 Nebraska, #6 Texas over #11 Baylor, #7 Oklahoma St. over #10 Oklahoma

Quarters: #1 Kansas over Colorado, Missouri over #4 Texas A&M, Texas over #3 Baylor, #2 Kansas St. over Oklahoma St.

Semis: Kansas over Missouri, Kansas St. over Texas

Champion: Kansas

Sherron Collins is just tremendous, but seriously, what the hell happened to Willie Warren?

SWAC (1-pointer)

1st Round: Howard over NC A&T, UMES over Coppin State, Bethune Cookman over FAMU

2nd Round: Morgan State over Howard, Norfolk State over Hampton, UMES over South Carolina State, Delaware State over Bethune Cookman

Semifinals: Norfolk State over Morgan State, Delaware State over UMES

Finals: Delaware State over Norfolk State

Thoughts: Let’s go Hornets!!!!!!!

Atlantic 10

1st Round: Duquesne over St. Bonaventure, Rhode Island over St. Joe’s, Charlotte over UMass, Dayton over GW

2nd Round: Temple over Duquesne, Saint Louis over Rhode Island, Charlotte over Richmond, Xavier over Dayton

Semifinals: Saint Louis over Temple, Xavier over Charlotte

Finals: Xavier over Saint Louis

Thoughts: I predict the Billikens will be very inspired after a pregame pep talk involving Rick Majerus pooping in front of them.

Big East

1st Round: South Florida over Depaul, St. John’s over UConn, Seton Hall over Providence, Rutgers over Cincy

2nd Round: South Florida over Georgetown, Marquette over St. John’s, Notre Dame over Seton Hall, Louisville over Rutgers

3rd Round: Syracuse over South Florida, Marquette over Villanova, Pitt over Notre Dame, Louisville over WVU

Semifinals: Syracuse over Marquette, Pitt over Louisville

Finals: Syracuse over Pitt

Thoughts: Lots of overrated teams in the conference, but Syracuse is certainly legit, so they’re the pick.